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Post by Commissioner Jason Zurra on Sept 24, 2018 19:36:37 GMT
Need feedback on an RP? Come to me, and I will make sure to offer the advice I am willing and able to dish out.
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Killa Kai
Yellow Belt
| 1x NBPW Intercontinental | Current Champion | 2:0:0 |
Posts: 6
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Post by Killa Kai on Sept 24, 2018 19:59:19 GMT
Hey man you able to give me feedback?
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Post by Commissioner Jason Zurra on Sept 25, 2018 3:48:49 GMT
It's a good first impression of the Killa Kai character, and a good first impression of what the NBW talent has in store! I like Kai's intesity, and that he's young and cocky, a bit like his picbase, but not too glaringly similar. I thought some of the descriptors could have been worded a bit differently, but that's merely a nitpick. My main issue was the lack of character development. I wanted a small look into the story of Killa Kai. I wanted a sneak peek at what makes him tick. Overall though, it's a good first RP for the fed! Keep up the good work.
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Post by kiraizumi on Sept 29, 2018 19:43:15 GMT
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Post by Commissioner Jason Zurra on Oct 3, 2018 4:07:39 GMT
I tried to send this earlier, but my phone had an aneurysm. I'll start with the pros. I liked your CD, but I wanted more. I definitely like how awkward Kira feels about getting therapy. It gives him some humanity. I definitely hope for more therapy segments, as this was my favorite part of your RP. Your shoot was decent, but there were points that I found odd. This is where I found a couple negatives, and one nitpick. You shot harder on people that you didn't know than someone you had history with. If you know a character, know their flaws, and what their about, use that. I also noticed that your character started off shooting with a more proper and calm demeanor, but gradually used more slang as he kept talking. I'm not sure if that was intended or not, but it threw off the general vibe of the shoot a bit. I wasn't really able to get a clear feel for your character's voice. My little nitpick was the use of both quotations and parentheses for whenever someone is talking. While it helps your RPs stand out, when it's used constantly, it can feel a bit cumbersome to read. Again, it's just a small nitpick. Nothing that really impacts your RP a great deal. I just prefer one or the other. I actually prefer parentheses to be used for narrating or maybe a character name, instead of for when someone is speaking. So, overall, your RP was pretty decent. You have an interesting character, but he's still a bit hazy to me. I want a better idea of who Kira is, and how he speaks. Keep up the good work, and good luck on your next RP! ~JSZ
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Post by kiraizumi on Oct 3, 2018 4:31:21 GMT
I tried to send this earlier, but my phone had an aneurysm. I'll start with the pros. I liked your CD, but I wanted more. I definitely like how awkward Kira feels about getting therapy. It gives him some humanity. I definitely hope for more therapy segments, as this was my favorite part of your RP. Your shoot was decent, but there were points that I found odd. This is where I found a couple negatives, and one nitpick. You shot harder on people that you didn't know than someone you had history with. If you know a character, know their flaws, and what their about, use that. I also noticed that your character started off shooting with a more proper and calm demeanor, but gradually used more slang as he kept talking. I'm not sure if that was intended or not, but it threw off the general vibe of the shoot a bit. I wasn't really able to get a clear feel for your character's voice. My little nitpick was the use of both quotations and parentheses for whenever someone is talking. While it helps your RPs stand out, when it's used constantly, it can feel a bit cumbersome to read. Again, it's just a small nitpick. Nothing that really impacts your RP a great deal. I just prefer one or the other. I actually prefer parentheses to be used for narrating or maybe a character name, instead of for when someone is speaking. So, overall, your RP was pretty decent. You have an interesting character, but he's still a bit hazy to me. I want a better idea of who Kira is, and how he speaks. Keep up the good work, and good luck on your next RP! ~JSZ Thank you for the feedback. i appreciate it very much. I thought the "Therapy" section might actually be going a little too long and if i went too much further it'd go on even longer then the main rp it's self so i tried to end it when i did. Kira is very redneck and country if that makes sense. That why i use "git" instead of get and stuff like that. I was rushing most of the "shoot" stuff that day, but i'll definitely take what you said into consideration next time. Thanks again!
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Post by kiraizumi on Oct 3, 2018 4:40:10 GMT
Oh also the "(hi)" thing if that's what your referring to then that's because Kira is Speaking Japanese in those parts.
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Post by Commissioner Jason Zurra on Oct 3, 2018 20:31:03 GMT
I like his slang. I know, in English subbed mangas, Japanese people from places like Osaka have that sort of slang. It was just the way your character started out proper and then used more slang as he kept speaking that threw me. Also, thank you for clearing the Japanese speaking part up. That actually helped me understand your RP better.
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Post by kiraizumi on Oct 3, 2018 20:37:50 GMT
ok, yeah i can see how going from more correct spelling and stuff to more slang could be confusing. i'll try to stay with one or the other next time. And yeah, Kira is from a very small town in Hokkaido (the northern prefecture in japan, the one that's like super close to russia,haha) i believe the city Kira's from has a population of about 23k people. They're surrounded by the mountains and have a coastline too so it's fairly isolated and what not. That and the person he learned english from is very southern and country anyway so even when he speaks english he has a real southern draw,haha
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