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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 2, 2018 9:47:24 GMT
I've always been a critic at heart. If you'd like feedback from me, ask and I shall respond when possible. Be advised that I only respond after judging has passed and shows post as not to show favoritism. Ask away and ye shall receive.
- M
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Post by FarCry on Jan 3, 2018 1:01:56 GMT
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Post by Nyeo Son on Jan 7, 2018 18:00:24 GMT
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Corey Bull
Red Belt
The World Needs A Hero
Posts: 58
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Post by Corey Bull on Jan 7, 2018 18:22:51 GMT
Me three....
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2018 21:10:54 GMT
Me 4!
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Post by Emmit Kraus on Jan 7, 2018 21:52:01 GMT
LP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me 5? xD
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 9, 2018 8:06:58 GMT
As is my MO, here's a song to enjoy while I do my magic. Sorry for the long wait sir, you have been ever so patient. I've decided that every critique will follow the shows as not to taint my judgment or show favoritism. That said, let's begin:
I always enjoy the classic Jeckyll & Hyde dynamic being used for your new character. It makes for some intriguing moments later on, and even puts in a segment of surprise when Noah is attacked in his lodging. For me, I love the setup here with the obvious conflict (an insurmountable conflict destined to end with bloodshed) in the form of an immovable lunkhead. We as readers know he is going to die. Preparing the reader for how this conflict occurs and takes palce could have some more sinews, as to say, a little more setup for Noah's conflict. However, I'm not subscribing to this track of thought. I believe the strength of the entire segment is both its level of suspense, and how you achieve the surprise ending. We don't see the brutal attack - self-defense or not - making everything happen in an instant. Aftermath means that your reader is left picking up the pieces from the twister's path. I love this. Self-preservation is your main theme. That can always help in drafting future promos; in this case, you achieve the life Noah must lead outside of the ring. He is guided by powerful spirits out of his control. Many levels of psychological deterioration begin down paths all too similar to Noah and his voices. It leaves the reader intrigued, endeared and terrfied of what he will do next. Great work there. I can see more improvment in how he's employed because every promo cannot be him savagely beating a person to escape. It works here because the challenge is too great physically - or so we're led to believe at first glance - yet Noah overcomes this early challenge with the help of his dissociative mindset. I'm worried he could find too much of a reliancy on the animal side and not achieve rounded humanity. My advice going forward: try to make him filter into human life in addition to being surprised by his gruesome actions when inhibited by Far Cry (good names for Noah's voices BTW). Give him some sedated situations to give more contrast because he is siffering from a clear mental disorder - he's not a mutant on the run from extrajudical forces (if he is, god that'd be cool). Every conflict needs weakness. I like to see indecision with sorts of characters, wherein the normal self eventually becomes dependent upon their terrible side to survive. There could be more of that in Noah's path - but I was still pleased nonetheless. You shoot was secondary to CD, which is just fine. I know the Tru Grit has enconomy to its scale making it difficult to write everything you'd like to put into the promo. I still think there could be more focus on what the contract means for Noah and how Andre would be the first of many obstacles to his redemption. I realize too that you're dropping this as episode one of many, many more shows to come. You are on the right track in his development, but it seems the best work you put into his next episode how NBW effects he and Fry Cry's situation. I was not entirely clear as to what sees from the end game. We know he's an ex-con too. That's a fun can of worms to open as well from his cluttered attic of past experiences. That's my prescription for future shoots and towards Far Cry's improvement. You definitely balanced suspense and violence in a clever way that left me wanting more, which is a good thing. Adding maybe 10 - 15% more focus on the matchup and in-ring activity will push Far Cry up the mountain. Also, more setting to help the audience navigate events. I thoroughly enjoyed his story and cannot wait to read more. -LP
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 9, 2018 12:35:28 GMT
So where else to begin than my favorite opener of the week: a conflict of character and desire. I enjoy listening to Nyeo backpeddal on his hookup and the vibrant person that drifted into his bed some time before we come into scene. It would be irresponsible to find its vulnerable comedy the only edge of a pretty sharp opening. We get to see a failed balancing act, where Nyeo is trying to do too many things at once. It shows us power whilse also how much more he want to achieve in life. We also see narcissistic tendencies akin with most in the middle of an apparent power-grab. More so, we can see what state Nyeo lives - as well as ideas that lets readers wonder if he can sustain these mounting pressures. So I enjoyed it as a foundation for your newest dude.
I'd remissed if we didn't cover narrative in its style and presentation. I had no problem with how you used the 3rd person, but I feel like it could have more of an imprint from Nyeo. He has such a strong voice that would be perfect for limiting how the narrative addresses others. I'd rather have his Machiavellian outlook over precise goings on of the room. Nyeo could also show the fragile stat eof pwoer too in this way. If he is indeed some capo or higher in his trench mob, I would like to see him more cautious and suspecting of others. Hence why giving him a bigger imprint on the narrative would be my first suscription. I look frward to how he evolves while balancing both legitimate and illegal careers.
Setting was a gorgeous texture: A bowl of grapes unveiling sweet details at a considerate pace. Great front there.
Shoot was not as stellar as your character nor the backdrop of Nyeo's wild lifestyle. I was hoping for something bit more scathing than simple push ups over your opponents. We understand that Nyeo has a power fantasy and that he desires to be the best. No one can take that much away from him as a person. And I think most expected the direction you would take. Ignore Greece or desert heat in favor of getting to know how and why your opponents are a threat. You could spare some details of the room in favor of more talk - since I imagine Nyeo emerging as one of NBW's top mouthpieces. Maybe focus about 15% more on your matchup to give your enraptured audience something to cling to over listens to empty threats. Better shoots also make your guy sound like the BAMF he is.
So the simple fixes are less omniscience in his narrative with ever more involvement invested nin Nyeo and his power-hungry personality. I know you'll go forward and blow the roof off this place. Great shwoing for week 1, Nyeo.
- LP
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Post by FarCry on Jan 9, 2018 12:49:11 GMT
As is my MO, here's a song to enjoy while I do my magic. Sorry for the long wait sir, you have been ever so patient. I've decided that every critique will follow the shows as not to taint my judgment or show favoritism. That said, let's begin:
I always enjoy the classic Jeckyll & Hyde dynamic being used for your new character. It makes for some intriguing moments later on, and even puts in a segment of surprise when Noah is attacked in his lodging. For me, I love the setup here with the obvious conflict (an insurmountable conflict destined to end with bloodshed) in the form of an immovable lunkhead. We as readers know he is going to die. Preparing the reader for how this conflict occurs and takes palce could have some more sinews, as to say, a little more setup for Noah's conflict. However, I'm not subscribing to this track of thought. I believe the strength of the entire segment is both its level of suspense, and how you achieve the surprise ending. We don't see the brutal attack - self-defense or not - making everything happen in an instant. Aftermath means that your reader is left picking up the pieces from the twister's path. I love this. Self-preservation is your main theme. That can always help in drafting future promos; in this case, you achieve the life Noah must lead outside of the ring. He is guided by powerful spirits out of his control. Many levels of psychological deterioration begin down paths all too similar to Noah and his voices. It leaves the reader intrigued, endeared and terrfied of what he will do next. Great work there. I can see more improvment in how he's employed because every promo cannot be him savagely beating a person to escape. It works here because the challenge is too great physically - or so we're led to believe at first glance - yet Noah overcomes this early challenge with the help of his dissociative mindset. I'm worried he could find too much of a reliancy on the animal side and not achieve rounded humanity. My advice going forward: try to make him filter into human life in addition to being surprised by his gruesome actions when inhibited by Far Cry (good names for Noah's voices BTW). Give him some sedated situations to give more contrast because he is siffering from a clear mental disorder - he's not a mutant on the run from extrajudical forces (if he is, god that'd be cool). Every conflict needs weakness. I like to see indecision with sorts of characters, wherein the normal self eventually becomes dependent upon their terrible side to survive. There could be more of that in Noah's path - but I was still pleased nonetheless. You shoot was secondary to CD, which is just fine. I know the Tru Grit has enconomy to its scale making it difficult to write everything you'd like to put into the promo. I still think there could be more focus on what the contract means for Noah and how Andre would be the first of many obstacles to his redemption. I realize too that you're dropping this as episode one of many, many more shows to come. You are on the right track in his development, but it seems the best work you put into his next episode how NBW effects he and Fry Cry's situation. I was not entirely clear as to what sees from the end game. We know he's an ex-con too. That's a fun can of worms to open as well from his cluttered attic of past experiences. That's my prescription for future shoots and towards Far Cry's improvement. You definitely balanced suspense and violence in a clever way that left me wanting more, which is a good thing. Adding maybe 10 - 15% more focus on the matchup and in-ring activity will push Far Cry up the mountain. Also, more setting to help the audience navigate events. I thoroughly enjoyed his story and cannot wait to read more. -LP Wow. This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever read. Thanks bossman.
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 9, 2018 13:16:46 GMT
Bull, you began with a new testament that I am fully subscribed to now. This origin story of turmoil and retreat from great powers. Creating an obtuse setting in parallels to everyone else on roster, I found "their" motives both intriguing and open-ended. This was probably one of few pure 50/50 promos this week balancing story/CD with shooting. Your audience also had time to ease from backstory into a believable arc on the verge of rebuilding something great. It harkened back to some of the Sanderson variety of open frontier with a great evil, or good, encapsulated within it. These motives are essential if we are to understand what Corey Bull and his affiliations wish to accomplish across the canon of NBW. How does Bull draw: He puts our concept of reality into a cosmic Slap-Chop and dices all we have come to know as good or true into sashimi. I was left on the hook though by the end, wondering what of could a God Machine could ever be. Moreover, how to identify its powers over Bull and the spirit residually inside him - be it his life as its blessed arc.
Setting seemed a scaled down asepct in favor of overwhelming personality. Readers get to know how Bull views lifeforms - and those that may dare to stand in his way. I liked the set piece of the tomb. Had a few characteristics to draw us into the overall story, yet I left wanting a few bites more. Maybe let something like this mausoleum (one of my Achille's words) be more than a setting for the Crypt Keeper. I have made no efforts to mask my love for Corey Bull nor giant wrestle men; however, there should be some more draw to a big center piece. Have some interactions with it. Not that could put sacrifices or other serious macrbe stuff. I really wanted a bit more use of the stage and Bull's place within it. All that leads to a wonderful soliloquy.
Tone was heavy. I enjoyed how you used both a biblical sort of origin story, yet changed the dynamics by the midpoint. I was shown every depth of the anger and might of Corey Bull. You also crushed themes of vengeance, power and acquiescence. You made it known that your dud was prepared to do anything to reach the top. Turns out, such conviction has readers demanding more of the monster behind a silvery mask. I know I did. Short list also says: good pacing; on point shoot; expert management of length and detail. Let it be known that perfection may not be possible - no matter how hard we try - I am excited to read more about Corey Bull. Great work!
- LP
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Post by bonnieblue on Jan 9, 2018 14:59:44 GMT
I know mine wasn't really a traditional rp, but until I get a proper one up... would you mind reviewing Blue Monday?
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Post by Nyeo Son on Jan 9, 2018 17:51:41 GMT
So where else to begin than my favorite opener of the week: a conflict of character and desire. I enjoy listening to Nyeo backpeddal on his hookup and the vibrant person that drifted into his bed some time before we come into scene. It would be irresponsible to find its vulnerable comedy the only edge of a pretty sharp opening. We get to see a failed balancing act, where Nyeo is trying to do too many things at once. It shows us power whilse also how much more he want to achieve in life. We also see narcissistic tendencies akin with most in the middle of an apparent power-grab. More so, we can see what state Nyeo lives - as well as ideas that lets readers wonder if he can sustain these mounting pressures. So I enjoyed it as a foundation for your newest dude.
I'd remissed if we didn't cover narrative in its style and presentation. I had no problem with how you used the 3rd person, but I feel like it could have more of an imprint from Nyeo. He has such a strong voice that would be perfect for limiting how the narrative addresses others. I'd rather have his Machiavellian outlook over precise goings on of the room. Nyeo could also show the fragile stat eof pwoer too in this way. If he is indeed some capo or higher in his trench mob, I would like to see him more cautious and suspecting of others. Hence why giving him a bigger imprint on the narrative would be my first suscription. I look frward to how he evolves while balancing both legitimate and illegal careers.
Setting was a gorgeous texture: A bowl of grapes unveiling sweet details at a considerate pace. Great front there.
Shoot was not as stellar as your character nor the backdrop of Nyeo's wild lifestyle. I was hoping for something bit more scathing than simple push ups over your opponents. We understand that Nyeo has a power fantasy and that he desires to be the best. No one can take that much away from him as a person. And I think most expected the direction you would take. Ignore Greece or desert heat in favor of getting to know how and why your opponents are a threat. You could spare some details of the room in favor of more talk - since I imagine Nyeo emerging as one of NBW's top mouthpieces. Maybe focus about 15% more on your matchup to give your enraptured audience something to cling to over listens to empty threats. Better shoots also make your guy sound like the BAMF he is.
So the simple fixes are less omniscience in his narrative with ever more involvement invested nin Nyeo and his power-hungry personality. I know you'll go forward and blow the roof off this place. Great shwoing for week 1, Nyeo.
- LP God damn man, THAT'S FUCKING FEEBACK, thank you so fucking much, really happy that i nailed the character, fixing the shoot and perspective is something i can do. I'm totally going to keep this post so i can reread it every now and again!
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 10, 2018 2:32:08 GMT
Right off the bat, your promo has to divergent points between CD and shoot. You also balanced emphasis between these too while belnding it into a straighshooting chat. A real shoot at its core. Tone is also handled with care as the levels of frustration are unraveling the usually level-headed space fighter. L knows her strength and only reaches what she feels is right. Gutwrcnhing emotion drives the piece making for a fiesty competitor underneath the exerted layers of hype. She attacks notions of injustice, from the lockeroom to the main offices of NBW, without wavering. This is the sort of fight we expect from L Verez: do-gooder, prrincipled, yet always looking to save the world from itself. I always wanted to see more uber protector syndromes from her (e.g. Ghandi's extreme peace level in Civilization, which in turn made him nuke the world in route to keeping it safe itself) even at the cost of her face image w/n The Guardians.
Definitely haven't missed a step since the last show. I enjoy those little details that go unnoticed if you're not looking for them. The best being the UCI Hypermedia Title in a dispaly case. It shows how this is more than a relic to our character, but a great feat. OOC this is going to be a old timer's memory that new bucks will ask of in confusion and intrigue. Let us not prattle, for today's mission begins with a new bout and the blood to be spilt. I do beleive, however, your focus on small details prepares the reader for what L Verez wants to achieve in this new company. She doesn't want to merely make a splash. She wants to continue her rise from soil to the sky. We also know that gender politics are at play here with the offended party having to defend their honor. To that extent, I loved how your tone was enraged to the point of shouting. This hit the thinest layer of L's skin and helps us understand some of the tribulations she faces, aside from of course being an alien with high principles - which always goes over well in SciFi (Gort: Klaatu barada nikto). I honestly want more of her motive to reflect these principles while also having moments of unbridled rage derail them. This promo can be the first of a new acr for her development in that aspect, which in turn, can be helpful and divisive w/n The Guardians. More so, it can give a deeper slot for her in the roster where these choices of principle and person are more conflictive. And all good stories thrive off that.
Small things like pace and detail were fine. Language was on the level and a good read. Nothing seemed out of character nor overblown-purpley stuff. I like the nonchalant use of teleportation b/c that shows us how akin she is with her alien tech. If not, then it becomes imaginative SciFi intended to give the little deaths of hard science. I do think we could have more influence of how the spaceship would appear to those watching. Now this has a SYFY budget and could be CG as hell. I want the kayfabe more than anything else, but finding bridge between your promos and how it would appear as a produced television program would honestly make me the happiest of campers in terms of making this whole show come together. Much like our process to make seamless cuts between backstage, offset and in-ring moments segments, I would like to see more of this being transferred to your promos. These are opinionated of course and not necessary. Merely my critique to make show and promo one and the same. I enjoyed it nonetheless.
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Post by Heavy Metal Masutarou on Jan 10, 2018 2:58:22 GMT
Dang I gotta hit the gravy train while it’s rolling. Feedback your dude.
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Post by Erin Fausse on Jan 10, 2018 3:17:07 GMT
Same. Fuck me up widdit whenever fam <3.
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