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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2018 3:30:43 GMT
Dang I gotta hit the gravy train while it’s rolling. Feedback your dude. Did you just reference a brand of dog food?
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Post by Heavy Metal Masutarou on Jan 10, 2018 4:08:13 GMT
Dang I gotta hit the gravy train while it’s rolling. Feedback your dude. Did you just reference a brand of dog food?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2018 4:14:33 GMT
Did you just reference a brand of dog food? Even better! That '70s Show!
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Post by Andre Aquarius on Jan 10, 2018 5:04:29 GMT
I'd be interested to see what you think about my first.
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 10, 2018 7:59:14 GMT
LP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me 5? xD Here come that Gravy Train
I enjoy the double lives many of us are undertaking in aside to the actual wrestlign business. Kraus, of course, is a contract killer and damn good one at that. A number of big stories begin swirl with this idea alone; nevertheless, I'll this promo lead us for now. We have this simple statement resounding throughout the work b/c there's no evidence other than Kraus' word. This is a rubric for how every situation occurs and what control he possess throughout. A clever way of giving the audience a hand of card that may one day go into a effect of course, saying that X happens and we are like "don't fight him, broskii, Emmit will f'n murder you" - among other responses. This sinister side lurking within a bland person is also expected. He obviously has trouble processing what others do in a life not concerned with the murdering of others. How does a three-bean salad compare to slitting throats? Just absurd questions, sure, but the kind that Kraus must filter in his everyday life. I feel this much is is represented and presented in all its glory.
Next is the choice of a first-person dialogue (probably my favorite viewpoint to write from) to give his story a personal imprint. I find the greatest strength of this stye of narrative is how it creates confusion and distortions w/n a story. Kraus reminds me a lot of that sociopathatic killer we expect of graphic novellas and the likes. He thinks like a problem-solver in lieu of letting things go. He sees most things as in need of his help. This could be the weakness to exploit in later concepts b/c it shows to a small extent here. A Batman sort of superiority compex that doesn't as much impose upon others, yet still seeks to save the world from itself while denying themselves pleasure. To me, I'd like to see more distortion from his viewpoint. Setting him in a house party should be earthshattering to an extreme introvert as himself. He seems to hide with the wallpaper, but I don't feel he was invisible enough. Also when discussing this narrative style I always look to language. How someone talks to themselves should reflect who they are. I felt language, at times, was a bit inconsistent. I would like to see more of that problem-solver mentality go into play with his dialogue outside of promos. We see this in how he dissects a matchup w/ Matt Angel. Technical talk above ones destruction takes a special kind of evil to work - and you achieved it there. However, he should have been more disconnected from the house party in his mind as well. Not to where he's saying things like "all these dumb animals and their craft beer" b/c that would be overplayed and dumb. He could be processing simple affairs more though. As an aside to this, language also had a few rocky spots in his exchange with Lena: I found her response was a bit calculate from a written standpoint. Let these sorts of exchanges flow more. It can be hard to go over mutiple times, of course, but I thin you'll find more vibrant dialogue by taking out sentences and just giving them simple "awkward..." over a whole slew of things to say. Lena is also embarrassed and distress. She could also show less control of her faculties. This are nitpicky - I know that - but it's the kind of usage that can get symptomatic if employed early and often. Dialogue really is a tricky business though b/c it has to be readable, fun and still human. Don't worry about some phrases not winning over the prudes (me) so long as you're headed in the right direction afterwards. I'd focus on how these voices conflict too. Kraus has several mannerisms that are chival and outdated for a modern house party - details that I loved most of their exchanges. Play more off of those disconnections with social norm and his character will bloom into the sociopath we expect of someone living the subterfuge of an assassin (double-butt).
Promo number one was otherwise a successful telling of a troubled soul balancing too many things. We should be amazed how his head stays above the water with so many pressures weighin upon him. Returning now to my original set of thoughts curtailed in Para. one: 1) Can he keep this up? 2) Will he be able to live a normal life? 3) What conflicts shall arise from his work? 4) What is his diet? I am a busy thinker and Kraus has so many untapped opportunities with just this one promo. Keep those mindsets front and center, but never bow to simple things like overreactions to outside stimuli. Keep him human and the rest will distort as needed. Great work for promo #1.
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 10, 2018 16:19:33 GMT
I know mine wasn't really a traditional rp, but until I get a proper one up... would you mind reviewing Blue Monday? I hope you guys like this one. I am in love with this little band out of Detroit...
Since it's not on the typical style guide, nor found in section 3 of our workbooks, I'll have to take a typical reading of this promo. First off: You had a school w/o the Commish?? He's like the perfect character for a wisdom-dispensing janitor. Oh well...
My serious take of this pomo has two bifurcate at the two points of influence. I'll begin with this Dazed and Confused group of students filling in for members of the Guardians. I enjoyed this divided vignette b/c we see some of the inner workings of their dynamic. Even those unfamiliar with your stable's backstory can understand where each member of the group falls into place: from Blue's apparent leadership, to the brains in L and the Bluto every good stable needs. Antics were enjoyable too in that they sealessly introduced NBW staff (minus one...) while also presenting challenges on the horizon. It portends well of things to come in a stable pace. Dialogues were balanced between these vignettes. Everyone had the right thing to say and did not suppose or force words into people's mouths. That said, there could have been some more 80s humor - from what I took of its themes, I assumed that was the timeframe at least. As a critic, I never admit defeat as pure enjoyment doesn't mean a piece comes w/o flaws. Foregoing any talk about a traditional shoot - and the set ups inteded with Vadalia - I want to focus on the second part. I liken these sections to Avatar or Double-butt (Assassin's Creed, which I've never played but am aware of story-wise) due to its investigative disconnection. This is not hard SciFi and we should not expect neurological details of the cortexes, living brain or other specifics to this space-age contraption. I do feel it could have some more setting and drescription. So many elements go into such a technology that I feel most would enjoy seeing more throughout these sections. Aside from setting, balancing these scenes could have helped to give an even better KO punch. An honest look says there were more dreams than exposition. Readers would probably like to see more of the dream sequence with some more shenanigans betwixt it all (maybe a run-in with the janitor). The piece also make use of some techno-jargon besides the robot names. Words like "flux" or "power converters" to increase its SciFi appeal. What else can I throw in this bucket of a Paragraph... how about more of those external thoughts to give more of an imprint from Bonnie's perspective. Writing can be a lot like brushing your teeth in that harpening on the minor things promotes future excellence. I don't have as much to critically analyze about this one due to its lack of a shoot; however, these little things build up over the course of larger works. Great work though - definite surprise from the pack.
Beautiful ending: good length, tone and image. Contemplated shedding a tear but did not. It was close though. Too much of this one is hindsight and not critical construction. So for that maybe my next one will be better. Great job this week nonetheless. And I bet the song should just about be at its end... right about... now.
- LP
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2018 16:50:34 GMT
Thanks, Commish! It's always nice to find out that people dug the RP more than I expected. I wasn't sure how full shoot RPs would go for me, so the fact that it was taken well is definitely a relief, especially with the fact that I'm shooting as a face.
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 10, 2018 21:53:12 GMT
Thanks, Commish! It's always nice to find out that people dug the RP more than I expected. I wasn't sure how full shoot RPs would go for me, so the fact that it was taken well is definitely a relief, especially with the fact that I'm shooting as a face. Yeah, you and Travis were great last week.
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 10, 2018 22:23:18 GMT
Dang I gotta hit the gravy train while it’s rolling. Feedback your dude. Choo choo!
I like the voice of Mr. Curious because he gives us the sordid sort we imagine of wrestling promoters. He cuts deep while offering scathing commentary of the opposition. He is the total package for what mouthpieces do. He also appears to be, though not state directly, the defacto translator for Matsu. I like how his manager looks at evey angle and attacks relentlessly until his point is made. I love his language and tone b/c they have undertones of the golden age of wrestling managers. He also represents the talking pimple growing out of their client's face. I do wonder if he could be more focused on deeper insults than some of his more petty insults. Seems unsporting - kidding - no, what I actually have issue is him calling the kettle blacker than tar. You cannot demean someone while punching even lower than they do. It felt like supposed insults took place of what could be deeper cuts. Good ones: everything he said about the death match and Shadow's lovelife. Bad ones: putting Spectre down on simple appearance. Calling him a spot monkey would hurt more without all namecalling. Curiously wants to be taken seriously; in that vein, I don't think he was as effective in spearating his client from the opposition. We always want more from a mouthpiece. At times, he delivered but also fell flat from throughout the first section. Being a blog, you might have added more to the internet voice - terms, hashtags, the works. We shouldn't expect something out of the norm for Curious b/c we already know what he's capable of doing. His language and terms keep to a constant basis. Keeping him grounded and focused on matches will only help Matsu grow.
We get a very small look at your fighter. He is in the gym doing normal stuff. I don't preach the ridiculous, yet this scene could have something more enthralling than a few hits on the old sandbag. One way could be more talking. However, if you are using his manager as their translator, then I understand your reasoning for that. I also found a number of elements that could be useful in future promos. One could be added one or more voices to complete scenes. I also wanted to hest Matsu's take of their latest competition. I would try to get him more involved in the promo - and especially the shoot. Those are minor changes to help with his development. Sadly, you're working with a reduced canvas making these sorts of additions like a putting circles into a sqaure peg. Either way, great job this week!
- LP
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 11, 2018 14:22:33 GMT
Same. Fuck me up widdit whenever fam <3. Feeling classical atm... first I must say - since I'm an unabashed victualler of them - how much I enjoy your em dashes. Also how you name dropped Sam Elliot and his boss of a mustache. Now my actual review: Immediate suspense makes this one go right for the reader's jugular. I like this media res as well b/c it heightens the emotional experience from surprise to instant danger. Pacing was on point here as well, bringing in minor details to enhance the dire situation as it unfolded. Since this type of attack can sometimes take several minutes to do its evil business, spiralling thoughts are a great way of experiencing the speaker's fear. Many action and horror movies employ this tactic because it can take your audience's breath away (okay, I'll stop). I think is also increased b/c it comes though first person. It's the best route to unbridled emotions. For readers, it gives us the scare of a lifetime. This goes on throughout to give us both the calculated and cynical nature of Erin Fausse. And what a subject that is to cover. I feel the best use of this is not really a constructive attack b/c so many of these elements can be hit or miss by the common watcher. When I say reader, I mean those going from epigraph to evois and then back to wrap it all together. The thematic door works well too - enjoyed that. So without any more distractions, I'd like to dive into this brain of hers. Events are fluid which aids to many distortions in how she preceives events. A lot of bad karma follows her shadow, and you execute this in a manner indicative of mind alteration. We have two ways to purge this from a person: 1) would be to lie to yourself and create delusions. 2) The worst of these, which is oblivion-seeking substance abuse. I wonder how she can find a middleground of the two without becoming another run of that old murder mill graphic novel killer. They've seen shit and find solace in relaying this to anyone that will listen. I fidn her methods are a bit too reflexive in that way. Does she always speak to an enraptured person, or would you call it an imagined ear unfliching to how many horrible things have crossed her path. My advice would envison what sort of person she wants to hear these thoughts, thereby strengthening her imprint on the narrative. Pardon my interjection here - as it might be pretentious w/o a warning - but I would love to see more this delfection onto a enraptured ear. I always try to imagine what person gives a character comfort - more so when dealing with a snappy conversation laden with tumult and bad history ( herstory killed me). My love of 1st person is pretty obvious by now, so let me add one more detail and get back your promo. I want to have more environmental effect: be it cold, sweltering or even the scratchy pinch of walking into winter air. I feel her environmental awareness was image/object heavy and could involve more sensory detail. Seriously, that's super-nitpicky. It's one of those medical things where if you harp about it enough, the patient is likely to follow suit. Back to your stuff. My last thought was how can you stir her cauldron even more. She has seen murder. Many have threatened her life and not lived to tell their side of the attack. I wonder the what experiences can muckrake with her innerworkings. Pull her out of the decrpit hole and put her to sunlight. Maybe it's love. Maybe it's a churning need to do something warm and fuzzy for another person. We know how a meshing of motif meddles with the expected - so give this Sin City backdrop a double-dose of Smash Mouth. Radical, hel yeah, but it's worth plotting for future reference.
Other tiny nitpicks b/c I feel entitled to say them at this point:
1) Tone can feel headbashing at times. Find a bell curve to how events move between each other. There can be too much of a good thing. In accordance with the last paragrph, I say this shakeup of elements because it can lead to the dread skipping of lines to parse the full info. I stayed with it word to word; however, a casual read might exclude many of your fine-crafted details. Keep the ovean flowing without drowning the reader (it's an old saying from workshop, so take that as is).
2) Your syntax packs quite the haymaker. Balance sentences with short and long to create easier seas (b/c I'm bad at this). 3) Rework some colors b/c I struggled reading some of these in low light conditions (it's winter in Ohio and the weather is currently pretending to be Scotland's. Wherein sudeen brights and dim grays visually rip my eyes apart). 4) Personalize attacks even more. I feel like Erin didn't hit as hard as she could. You're a vereran and know the barrier of kayfabe and offending people - somewhere you came nowhere near - so don't be afraid to be even more ruthless. Also give more credence to where she is b/c NBW has a poor reputation in the wrestling world. It's like CZW was given 2x TNA's operating budget. Feel free to be discouraged, outrafe and even disgusted by what PRyde and his cronies do. To conclude, I assume you found the song most fitting to your themes (b/c I'm a dork that loves doing this for each one). I want to say it was a thrill ride from end to end. A nice look into a character known in our circles for self-destruction reviving from an old bog of Efeds past. Continue on this route and you're sure to find success. I look forward to week two.
- LP
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Post by bonnieblue on Jan 11, 2018 15:02:15 GMT
Thank you for the excellent feedback! I agree with all your points, although the wise janitor part hadn't occurred to me yet. And yeah, I was going for that 80's - 90's kinda feel; somewhere between Breakfast Club and Ten Things I Hate About You. I'll keep that stuff in mind if/when I get a chance to revisit this concept again.
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Post by Heavy Metal Masutarou on Jan 11, 2018 16:19:44 GMT
Dang I gotta hit the gravy train while it’s rolling. Feedback your dude. Choo choo!
I like the voice of Mr. Curious because he gives us the sordid sort we imagine of wrestling promoters. He cuts deep while offering scathing commentary of the opposition. He is the total package for what mouthpieces do. He also appears to be, though not state directly, the defacto translator for Matsu. I like how his manager looks at evey angle and attacks relentlessly until his point is made. I love his language and tone b/c they have undertones of the golden age of wrestling managers. He also represents the talking pimple growing out of their client's face. I do wonder if he could be more focused on deeper insults than some of his more petty insults. Seems unsporting - kidding - no, what I actually have issue is him calling the kettle blacker than tar. You cannot demean someone while punching even lower than they do. It felt like supposed insults took place of what could be deeper cuts. Good ones: everything he said about the death match and Shadow's lovelife. Bad ones: putting Spectre down on simple appearance. Calling him a spot monkey would hurt more without all namecalling. Curiously wants to be taken seriously; in that vein, I don't think he was as effective in spearating his client from the opposition. We always want more from a mouthpiece. At times, he delivered but also fell flat from throughout the first section. Being a blog, you might have added more to the internet voice - terms, hashtags, the works. We shouldn't expect something out of the norm for Curious b/c we already know what he's capable of doing. His language and terms keep to a constant basis. Keeping him grounded and focused on matches will only help Matsu grow.
We get a very small look at your fighter. He is in the gym doing normal stuff. I don't preach the ridiculous, yet this scene could have something more enthralling than a few hits on the old sandbag. One way could be more talking. However, if you are using his manager as their translator, then I understand your reasoning for that. I also found a number of elements that could be useful in future promos. One could be added one or more voices to complete scenes. I also wanted to hest Matsu's take of their latest competition. I would try to get him more involved in the promo - and especially the shoot. Those are minor changes to help with his development. Sadly, you're working with a reduced canvas making these sorts of additions like a putting circles into a sqaure peg. Either way, great job this week!
- LP Great feedback, Commish! Being in the Tru Grit match for an intro RP was definitely a challenge so you’ll see his world and character open up a little more this week, hopefully adding some depth to the Masu soup! I’ll be using this advice moving forward for sure! Thank you!
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 11, 2018 19:02:10 GMT
Thanks, Commish! It's always nice to find out that people dug the RP more than I expected. I wasn't sure how full shoot RPs would go for me, so the fact that it was taken well is definitely a relief, especially with the fact that I'm shooting as a face. You had plenty shoot about since L's character (morally speaking) was under fire. Still a nice job though.
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 11, 2018 19:07:00 GMT
Thank you for the excellent feedback! I agree with all your points, although the wise janitor part hadn't occurred to me yet. And yeah, I was going for that 80's - 90's kinda feel; somewhere between Breakfast Club and Ten Things I Hate About You. I'll keep that stuff in mind if/when I get a chance to revisit this concept again. Np, it was a fun departure from the usual.
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 11, 2018 19:08:14 GMT
Great feedback, Commish! Being in the Tru Grit match for an intro RP was definitely a challenge so you’ll see his world and character open up a little more this week, hopefully adding some depth to the Masu soup! I’ll be using this advice moving forward for sure! Thank you! Np man, let me know if and when you'd like more. GL this week
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