Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2018 23:38:52 GMT
Feel free to ask for a review of last week's (1.22.18) show. I seem to have overworked my hands on match writing last night, so I will do these tomorrow - rain, sleet or shine. TY for your patience. Weekly queue: 1) Mya 2) Andre 3) Hatebringer 4) Travis Would like some feedback on my second week RP, por favor.
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chaos
Yellow Belt
Posts: 30
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Post by chaos on Jan 24, 2018 17:37:13 GMT
I'd like a review of my newest RP when you can sir
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 24, 2018 19:22:11 GMT
Nice epigraph. It gives the expected tone for the struggle of living with a monster under one's own skin. That unwanted spirit in Mya's sidecar - one she must bear while balancing life - is a clear distraction. Pressures wedging between family, a career and experiencing a wholesome life. These themes paint the entire promo with expectations of tribulation. I felt them at times, though still found myself wanting to understand more of the struggle. One can say there's qaulified distress. Another can stand before the ashes and say that someone else was responsible. How does she deflect; likewise, how does Mya accept shortcomings of her condition. Split decisions help as we see in this turn: For me, I want to see less deflecting and more absorbing on Mya's part. She can't be as much of a misfit w/o being an outsider. She has too much to link her to a normal life for a match with L Verez to be as paramount. She should have the stress of choice. Accusing L is not the most powerful argument as to why she deserves to win. My favorite part of the shoot was when their conditions were compared (even if it stripped layers of the Kayfabe to do so) b/c we see more value to Mya's struggle. What I would like to see more of going forward: instincts, values and desires - these as opposed to overt feelings. Feelings will burst if you pop those three criticals to personality. Nitpicking: Work towards balancing the length of action to dialogue. Your words need better flow. Notice how many sentences stretch with extra conjuctions and phrases (e.g. and ... and ... and that). Sometimes, I feel inclined to finished whole sentences without discipline when they aren't composed of multiple phrases. Phrasing always helps when dealing w/ 1st person narratives b/c there need to be balance. My other advice for this style - one that will pay big dividends to Mya's perspective - focus on truth or facts. I believe 1st person is a barrel of lies sold as facts. Or like an olive: Where the flesh is fictionl meanwhile the pit is all the truth, which the speaker removes. These are principles to help guide her voice. Lastly, can we experience the disorder. Your best bet is to tread this topic carefully w/o exposing unwarranted or needlessly complex terminology. NBW should have characters of colorful expression. Realism should be there in small sprinkles. Diving into a tortured mind is not going to win titles; however, becoming an endearing person demands distress, desire and the constant needs of motherhood be endless in their competition. Great job this week. I enjoy how both Mya and FarCry are linking - a new super couple, perhaps? I hope these help discover what hides beneath Mya's layers. Now explore those valleys as any good Denton should (linguistic joke, so it wasn't funny (b/c Denton is an old phrasing for valleys)).
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 24, 2018 20:10:10 GMT
Admittedly, I feel this was an "off week" for me. Nothing major, but I know I've done better work. That being said, I'm curious just to hear what you think of Andre since the last time I asked feedback. Are you liking some of what you're seeing a bit more now? Your hashtags are out of control - and I love it! Now Imma drop that beat Parish style:
I like the way that NBW's blonde roast piles up his resume'. No brick goes unused in his mind. It shows the level of control he wants to bring into play and how we should assume Andre sees the world: a pearl to seize and teabag at the same time. We also learn how others are on level ground; meanwhile, those close to AA want him to slow down. They are the past he is speeding further from every week. I'm interested to see how this plays out for the Archduke Sienna.
My favorite part - next to his Twitterisms - is how Andre bounces from topic to topic like an M60. I want to see less in his clip though. Focus on accuracy and the match in that respect. Be that Smith and Wesson hitting all of your 6. Colorful expressions keep this spint levelled. Metaphors aside, more accuracy to his jabs will help wrangle his AA's vision to the forefront. My problems with his style is how to discern his target. Went tech 9 on the room sometimes taking every target in range. I always hate when toasts address the entire room to one jab at the fool in the center seat. So precision would be my biggest gripe overall. The rest will fall into place. Keep to Andre and he'll be just fine.
-LP
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 24, 2018 22:02:08 GMT
I'd like some feedback on my first match rp if possible! I don't feel as if it was great but any feedback is welcome.
click
Huge stamp on the map my friend - and a W against a bonafide star to boot. Now this breeds many new avenues to attac from: What's next; What are your intentions; What else can be said that was left on the plate. There are many essentials to your game that I'd like to see improve in the coming weeks. This one has strong intentions, so please take them in the most contructive of courtesy...
Tone is an important part to how we preceive individual speakers. I would like to more of the face style continue throughout your work. Kross can be a troublemaker at heart, but I still have to assume that it's golden. Your attacks in the shoot do not reflect the same ratios of character. He should not result to name calling as a sufficient attack. When the punches return, see that a tough fighter knows more about the opponent than superficial concerns. Find the root and weakness of opponents - that will breed future success. Sometimes a team can overshoot their weaknesses and win. I want to see more of your fundamental character. That means less generic actions (e.g. taking drinks, scratching your ass, ect.) and more input towards personalized statements. Those do not have to be in the form of dialogue at all. You can illustrate a person's behavior by a lean or by being tardy - all I want is a bit ore of your stamp on the character. It will broadcast more than a desire to win. No one plays to win and win the next. Players want to win the game, go home victorious (party, bang, w/e they like) and return with yesterday still in the rear view mirror. Respect is your number goal in talks. I think what Kross can do in the later shows is pull from his wins and become a competior. Right now, we only see a man in trunks with no compass nor course. Dig deep and find his white rabbit.
Construction can be a difficult thing to express in one post. For this paragraph, I want to address acion and verbal contact. Readers need a little leeway in discovering motive. Your style provokes a feeling yet also demands we feel a particular way. Notice: This is not an incrimination via adverb - that would not be succinct for commentary. Here's an example: I'm not adressing length or run-on phrasing. I would evoke Kross's reaction to the room. Stumuli is your greatest ally in convincing us of its effects. Why take a stand of efficacy? Well, I think it's symptomatic of how a character comes across to the reader. Improvements could be as simple as addressing cold while freezing skin. Lick across his neck like sour lover. That's obtuse, a bit, yet also the sort of colorful redentition that sticks. Devising action always means looking for how one responds to the stimuli. Chekov addressed a scene from two people by working through their ashtray. Maybe find less about what your sensing in the room, and instead, evoke his anger. Stoke a memory from the flames of crackling wood. These are pointers towards what could be an exciting new push for Kross. For now, I want to be colored impressed. Fulfillment is akin to betterment.
- LP
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 24, 2018 23:08:50 GMT
Hand me that sweet voodoo that you do so well my friend. A shame my opponent didn't rp, but I felt good doing this one. LEt me hear it
Giant improvements from week one. We get the scale of Bull's network, plus, how we're able to see what plans he might have for the company. We always come in with questions about someone's motives. While fuzzy at this point, I do believe you're in a tight direction. We know more about the God Machine and its effects too (I did, of course, preface your extended universe post for context too). Bull clearly fears what this unseen influencer can do reek upon his world, thus making his priorities a focal point of his promo. Improving this setting is so minor that I dare not mention more than a slight comment about adding more to it - if possible, of course. Improving character responses will be a tricky task to undertake here. Your level of involvement has so many character to watch over that keeping track of his organization will require more involvement into your writing. Each person must be human - beyond breathing or parroted speech - which will take a few RPs to convey as you'd like. I would ultimately like to see his underlings showing more voice and agency over their work w/n his group. You seem to have a dynamic group already. Don't be afraid to let each piece shine like a fancy-ass chess board.
Tone, language and imagery were nice additions. I don't have anything to say about its construciton, since you did a pretty bang-up job on that front this week. My only gripe would be focusing your crosshairs on the match too. Your shoot was one of the best you've done as Corey Bull, yet I still wanted to see more than whimp squashing. If Masu is weak, then give us reasons that are not blatant. Feed off matches and less obvious statements about crushing him like a ant. Show us the depth of murderous intent w/n your statuesque smasher. Be the hammer to the nail - while also envisioning every bit of pain inflicted upon that tiny scrap of twisted metal.
-LP
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 24, 2018 23:40:38 GMT
I definitely need some tips. I've lost all three of my matches so far and I quite evidently need some help. Please can I have feedback good sir. LEt's begin at the heart of your argument: I am the best and the rest can lick my boots. I love this. Here's what needs to be unlocked for your vision to work: 1) meaningful threats, 2) sound influence over the promo, 3) one of the F.O.G. must take dominance, 4) vision must go beyond a one week schedule, and lastly, 5) there have to be stakes b/c winning or losing is irrelevant to one's goals. Facet 1 & 2 work together b/c the strength of a threat is ones influence. Old wrestling always said that a tough guy talked the best b/c they weren't afraid. That a fighter could make their voice heard since they had intentions to hurt the other guy. I want to get this from F.O.G. but it falls somewhere short of convincing the audience. Your voices and characters ARE NOT in any the problem. I think it all stems from how you shoot. Attack from a base that is neither petty nor observant. I can shoot on something w/o reading into someone's mind. You reall do have to dig under their skin. Attacking L is not about her spaceship, alien tech nor the standing preference of gender. You should come face-first and tell her "Welcome to Earth!" in only ways that are natural to Travis. He is a hot-bodded Adonis with the abs of Hercules. Have Travis invoke himself w/o just saying you suck and I'm cool. Let him free to relate old stories of his situation. We know what he thinks of the Womens division - work from that. PRoduce reasons as to why his gender empowers him. I love how Travis and Morgan begin this promo perched upon a yacht Columbus'ing the view for themselves. Find his true nature of superiority. Invoke God in a way that speaks to him and the godless nature of an alien. Doing this will unlock his potential.
Fear of God must be more god-fearing to spur their image. In route to blossoming their presence in the tag division, you must begin addressing opponents as inferiors b/c you know them like ever mole down your neck. This is part of the meaninfgul threats too, yet I have one thing to add to imrpove the team's dynamic. No team is 50 - 50. Travis must take control of what his team does. It will save them as a tag while also creating situations for growth and schism. Find their faults and strengths are sure to follow in time. Keep probing until you find one. I know this takes time, but stable tag teams are not the source of drama. In-scene drama is the lifeblood of our ficitional business.
Where do you see them in 6 months? How about it a year? I feel like your team is gifted, unique and deserving of multiple reads each week. However, you need to find their long term goals. They don't seem to have many right now. Beyond winning belts, what is the draw? I know about TRavis' need to perform on the largest stage. He craves limelight. Find more about he and Morgan's desires, and the rest will fall into place. I hope this germinates victories. Try not to dwell or be ashamed. Each week presented insight to your talented writing. Focus on those five points and I feel a victory will be rearing its beautiful face sooner than you might believe right now. GL at the PPV!
-LP
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 25, 2018 0:44:41 GMT
Would like some feedback on my second week RP, por favor. I think what's best for this promo is divert from the simple contruction pieces; instead, we should focus on how this looks for L's goals. I feel like this week has been a splurge in that cateogry due to the pressures of haveing our first PPV around the corner. This is, of course, a time for culmination. I believe your tone set up what L and her partner feel. This is not a babyface promo. You are angry - and deservedly so. Every part of L's ordeal comes to light as needed. Tru Grit means single shots as opposed going rapid fire, so we'll review how these two did - and in some ways didn't - come together.
I think we have the L back from the last shows of UCI. Pride is running high. She is laser-focused on where she intends to go. There are names in her ledger too. Many of which seem unobtainable or invincible if playing to Pryde's narrative. Overcoming odds is one of the most desirable qaulities of any good face character. We need them to triumph over adversity. However, I still think you need ot play to this more. I understand your limitations here - it's hard to say everything in those condensed shadow boxes. However, you still needed more focus on how your situation is being blocked by Pryde and his outdated conventions. Comfort and space-age luxury did not give me the best impression of your struggles. You ended on the right note but somewhat meddled the middle lines. Your shoot on Denton, her relations w/ FarCry and the old days of UCI were spot on though. I needed rage. To be frank, your threats only sank their claws in the last two or three paragraphs. You can go beyond simple ring banter and create a lasting impact on readers. It all begins with raw emotion. To that extent, I feel you had a tone in check without filling its cup to the brim. I left wanting more, and not in the good way. This week can be the best yet if L lets loose ll that binds her. Don't be afraid of raw passion, grief, rage and love - they are a writer's best friends. GL this week!
- LP
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2018 2:12:53 GMT
Would like some feedback on my second week RP, por favor. (Placeholder: I'll complete yours tomorrow morning, L. Hands need a break)Take your time, friend. You've been doing great work!
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 25, 2018 15:41:10 GMT
Take your time, friend. You've been doing great work
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 25, 2018 15:42:32 GMT
Next Week's Queue (1/29/18): 1) Chaos 2) FarCry 3) Kross 4) Nyeo
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Post by FarCry on Jan 25, 2018 17:17:00 GMT
Commish. You are the best. I read each on of these because so much of what you say to each individual can be applied to a broad spectrum of people as well. But your specific insight as a character overall and individual aspects of each rp is what puts you over the top. I'm completely hard for your Parish, and wish to be a disciple. That being said I wish to ask for one more. I tried to take into account the things you've said in the past. The addition of Mya to this week's work was simply coincidence, however. She was slated to enter my rps this week from my first RP. Hopefully that relationship will flow a bit more now. And I apologize if you are left wanting to know more about it, the 2500 word limit keeps me from expanding too much so it's going to be a slow build which works for me. I also had to fast forward his relationship with his new girlfriend in order to tell the story the right way so I think that seems rushed. I wanted to make the girlfriend a more complex character, maybe I'll have more time to do that in the future. However, I think the word limit makes my words more precise and avoids filler. I had to delete about 300 words from the final copy. I saw my word count going up there and I ignored it and finished the story the right way not wanting to compromise the character development too much and then went back and edited some lines, took out unnecessary romance words and I took out a rant complaining about Western Long Island that I thought would have given better scene description about the ride they were on while giving insight to FarCry's inner motives but at the end of the day it really seemed the closest thing to filler. A nd I took out a lot about Jerry's intentions to grow Noah's social media presence through facebook and other platforms. I see Jerry as a very interesting character but the word limit prevents me from expanding that character very much, I'm hoping that each small interaction with him fills in his story more and more.
newbloodwrestling.boards.net/thread/242/home-graveyardThanks for your help. I've been doing this for about 15 years and writing short stories/scripts for about 20 as a hobby and never gotten feedback quite like this,
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Post by Kendrick Kross on Jan 27, 2018 23:12:46 GMT
So some more feedback please?! I am definitely hoping this one is better than last weeks lol.
click
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Post by Nyeo Son on Jan 29, 2018 9:47:04 GMT
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Feb 1, 2018 22:02:20 GMT
Closed until further notice - a lot of tax and office clear out at work. Need time to finish this stuff. Then I'll be back to 100%. We'll speak soon.
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