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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 11, 2018 21:02:43 GMT
I'd be interested to see what you think about my first.
I love how you use the forgotten, mustical land of Slab City. I first learned of it after playing New Vegas ages ago now, but I was surprised to see it used in your origin story. It gives us a look into someone who is an anarchist, opposed to traditional authority and a sort of fre spirit unclipped by expectations. However, he has a dream and that makes us intrigued into how his life evolves from the get-go. Why he finds wrestling as an avenue also gives colorful thoughts as to where you'll go with him. Now, the critique:
Language and a first person narrative shake hands. Your diction creates an smooth syntax that's still lax in terms of expected dialogue. I like how you are able to work in sports figures to reach his voice. This is not just a black man spitting fire - he's a rounded young man looking to get the top. Although he wants to find his avenue to do so. Although he won't admit to himself how much this new offer means. Andre probably never will admit to anything that is not 100% his volition - which is something you ould play off more in later works. I can see him as fiercely independent, which of course means he's really something searching for the exact opposite. Real people are funny like that. I enjoy how everything is distorted to his senses, making most of your works stronger. I derive a lot of this from how Andre sees things: 1) victimization and recovery; 2) Eternally jaded; 3) Bad at taking advice but likely to give it. I also expect more problems to arise b/c of these possible roadblocks in his renewed career.
Shoot had a different impression upon me. I like this fluid spitfire stuff, but I wonder how many details are faking the snake over actually make strong points. History of WCF and some UCI fragments are good stanchions to protect thise hard paint work, but I felt at times it didn't finish strong. I wanna see more investment to insults than sidestepping into side-jargon. That stuff is flashy but not great for arguing the point. Does Cube finish through contact (Answer: fuck yeah). Try to get deep under the armor rather than spiralling into the fun stuff - stuff I love for flavor text and voicing - b/c it doesn't flush or swish. Intimidate like Ewing not pretend meanness like Steven Adams (yeah, no one's scared of that kiwi). My awkward as all hell playbook from the Summer of Diderot was to keep sprinting but never forget how hard my fists were. I'd like to see more Hoya destroya in Andre's smack. Doing so will take his shoots from goody to great. Then his shit will get turnt as it should be. Love what he has so far and GL this work, mane!
-LP
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 11, 2018 21:11:59 GMT
Next week is busy, I won't be doing reviews for this week's promos. Submit again soon. You guys have been such a treat.
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Post by Heavy Metal Masutarou on Jan 11, 2018 21:22:36 GMT
Lets all give this guy a round of applause! Definitely earned himself the week off after reviewing over half the feds promos. Thanks LP! The fucking GOAT.
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Corey Bull
Red Belt
The World Needs A Hero
Posts: 58
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Post by Corey Bull on Jan 12, 2018 0:16:08 GMT
That was a stellar set of replies. I learned so much from not only my own review, but the review of others to get me mind working. That mausoleum will be in the future of the story, though its importance not to be revealed for some time. Also....gotta get something up under the out OOC area so people can fully understand the basic outline of the God-machine idea. That way, some of those off scenes specific to it will make more sense. I'll just give you a heads up to review my next piece when you have time, since I am also going to attempt to occasionally go back to my bread and butter of the set up of Bull's mind. Understand, Bull has been "reborn" so to speak many many times over centuries, until finding the mask anyways. So technically, the most messed up of childhoods is essentially his last, but the one that has marked him the most. So I want people to still see that aspect of him as well from time to time to remember that they are dealing with something both supernatural, eternal, and essentially as human as the rest.
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chaos
Yellow Belt
Posts: 30
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Post by chaos on Jan 17, 2018 16:19:10 GMT
Hey whenever you do more reviews I wouldn't mind getting one.
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 17, 2018 21:10:12 GMT
Hey whenever you do more reviews I wouldn't mind getting one. Hell yeah, man!
I'm enjoying the Chaos character's strength of purpose and how he is able to assert himself in a match. Also the idea of the torturer's delight (aka how Chaos enjoys hurting others) b/c it gives the audience a reason to his actions. His mask is a powerful tool as well. Masks always tell us more than they try to hide. This is someone either unfit to exist where they go, OR, they have something unwanted about themselves others are not privy to know. Cracking the nut of masked men is not as much about why or what it looks like, but how being masked effects their presence w/n spaces. It aids to his intimidation of both FFC and the cowardly cameraman, Dwayne. If we can understand more about his mask - then we will begin to see more to Chaos' motives in this company.
I picture his plans as a pleasure of destruction. What if he cannot crush, kill destroy what the card dangles in front of him? These are primary situations to consider with his future development b/c one cannot simply make a blind swing of the executioner's blade. I want to see Chaos factoring into discussion of prowess and manical evil. Right now, we see more of a bully than a monster. His presence in the company can expand from simply putting the smackdown a couple times.
Consider a bit more to your scene's placement: 1) where does the scene occur? 2) Is there atmosphere such as harsh lighting, cold or wetness, as well as other effects to the reader's perception? 3) What time from does this take place. This one is huge because there are temporal shifts in the lines (one cannot be seated in the past while eating in the present). Watch verb usage since past and present progressive actions (wherein the difference of "are" and "were" represent different moments in time) must be balanced to make scenes sensible to the reader. 4) Add spiciness to a simple "they are here" statement with a balance of the above elements. This will become helpful in later matches for sure.
Consider also where you want to be in two months - six months - and in two years. These are annoying thoughts at first, but it is also the key to prolonged success. Staying in a two-week or less span is not the mind of a champion. I can see Chaos becoming a perenial thorn in champion races; however, you will need to lasso down a few more of these key features to go from mid-vard promos to a higher caliber. I'd love to read more of your work. So feel free to send more or request as needed. GL this week, Chaos!
- LP
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chaos
Yellow Belt
Posts: 30
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Post by chaos on Jan 17, 2018 22:53:56 GMT
Hey whenever you do more reviews I wouldn't mind getting one. Hell yeah, man!
I'm enjoying the Chaos character's strength of purpose and how he is able to assert himself in a match. Also the idea of the torturer's delight (aka how Chaos enjoys hurting others) b/c it gives the audience a reason to his actions. His mask is a powerful tool as well. Masks always tell us more than they try to hide. This is someone either unfit to exist where they go, OR, they have something unwanted about themselves others are not privy to know. Cracking the nut of masked men is not as much about why or what it looks like, but how being masked effects their presence w/n spaces. It aids to his intimidation of both FFC and the cowardly cameraman, Dwayne. If we can understand more about his mask - then we will begin to see more to Chaos' motives in this company.
I picture his plans as a pleasure of destruction. What if he cannot crush, kill destroy what the card dangles in front of him? These are primary situations to consider with his future development b/c one cannot simply make a blind swing of the executioner's blade. I want to see Chaos factoring into discussion of prowess and manical evil. Right now, we see more of a bully than a monster. His presence in the company can expand from simply putting the smackdown a couple times.
Consider a bit more to your scene's placement: 1) where does the scene occur? 2) Is there atmosphere such as harsh lighting, cold or wetness, as well as other effects to the reader's perception? 3) What time from does this take place. This one is huge because there are temporal shifts in the lines (one cannot be seated in the past while eating in the present). Watch verb usage since past and present progressive actions (wherein the difference of "are" and "were" represent different moments in time) must be balanced to make scenes sensible to the reader. 4) Add spiciness to a simple "they are here" statement with a balance of the above elements. This will become helpful in later matches for sure.
Consider also where you want to be in two months - six months - and in two years. These are annoying thoughts at first, but it is also the key to prolonged success. Staying in a two-week or less span is not the mind of a champion. I can see Chaos becoming a perenial thorn in champion races; however, you will need to lasso down a few more of these key features to go from mid-vard promos to a higher caliber. I'd love to read more of your work. So feel free to send more or request as needed. GL this week, Chaos!
- LP Definitely going to read this before every promo I post to make sure I start to evolve Chaos into the monster he can be. Thanks man.
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Post by FarCry on Jan 19, 2018 20:04:08 GMT
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 20, 2018 19:59:10 GMT
A review fitting of the nice banner you made.
Last time I remember the big divide in the Knox/Farcry and how I was looking for more seamless intertwining of both sides. I think you've found a lot to this voice. Ways to how both can work together towards a common goal. His ultimate success is when Farcry and Noah can be as seamless as Hulk and Banner. This week makes a huge step in the right direction with the match being a sort of reverie for his inner soldier. These details are stressful for Knox, and in that vein, I think we really see how their natures are becoming codependent. Going forward, this will be his burder to explain, learn and bear with more challenges faced each week. Noah will not be able to solve every problem - and vice verse - because this is not a healthy individual. This person created another persona to fight their most impossible battles. Likewise, the soldier can only win battles - it cannot love, befriend or help others. It only knows warfare. You are painting quite the portrait between them right now. I wil always look for more intertwining as the shows go on, but that is the nature of improvement. My one stick would be interruptions from Farcry when stress and other situations might trigger his inordinate response. Life comes with many challenges that we are not always privy to the right answer - at least not the first time through. It feels like there could be more disorder and a clash for supremecy as well in future promos. They share one envelope of skin so why not stretch it out some more. Test the waters of dual thoughts. Give more running room to Farcry to see if these two can really function together. I believe their success lies on how these personas strike a balance - what trial and error will need to produce in subsequent promos.
Pace was a bit slower this time. I would have liked less dialogue between Noah and Jerry. This could be a place that minor triggers show the presence of Farcry trying to break through. Content was superb though. I enjoyed his take of justice b/c we get a sense of this good guy trying to be modest, yet his circumstances would beg to differ. We also get a sense that Noah might be lying to himself a bit to avoide the difficult things in his path. Maybe find places here Farcry can also be a second response - an unwanted trigger to mundane issues.
Shoot was sharp and on point. Retellings helped to put us into the mind of the fighter. We see a calcuated attacker with a professional's vision. Knox knows how to pinpoint weaknesses. I didn't expect this much from his point of view, honestly, for I see this as the work of his soldier side. Regardless, you break down fights and reflect upon the week ahead in a way that is engaging. There could be some reduction in langauge to make the last couple paragraphs speed up some, but it still worked. Everyone can use more extrapolated language (me too). Your analogy of the coffee created a nice theme about someone wanting a simple road without turns or sudden traffic. This is a perfect setup for someone dealing with a controlling inner demon. Keep rolling on that thought b/c it's sure to keep his growth. We could have seen more reaction to ya Denton's recent obsession - but I trust you've got big plans to unveil with all that. So I'll be patient...
Still, a really spot on effort this week. Keep working towards their divide and always press between stress and confusion b/c a steady character has nothing to offer. Keep both rocking n' rolling for supremecy and you should be just fine.
-LP
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Post by myadenton on Jan 21, 2018 4:59:19 GMT
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Post by Andre Aquarius on Jan 22, 2018 5:12:37 GMT
Admittedly, I feel this was an "off week" for me. Nothing major, but I know I've done better work. That being said, I'm curious just to hear what you think of Andre since the last time I asked feedback. Are you liking some of what you're seeing a bit more now?
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Post by Kendrick Kross on Jan 22, 2018 5:34:41 GMT
I'd like some feedback on my first match rp if possible! I don't feel as if it was great but any feedback is welcome.
click
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Corey Bull
Red Belt
The World Needs A Hero
Posts: 58
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Post by Corey Bull on Jan 23, 2018 7:42:58 GMT
Hand me that sweet voodoo that you do so well my friend. A shame my opponent didn't rp, but I felt good doing this one. LEt me hear it
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Post by Commish Lamarche on Jan 23, 2018 13:01:30 GMT
Feel free to ask for a review of last week's (1.22.18) show. I seem to have overworked my hands on match writing last night, so I will do these tomorrow - rain, sleet or shine. TY for your patience.
Weekly queue (closed)
This week's promos (Bad Moon Rising 1/29/18) will be covered after show goes up.
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Travis
Red Belt
Ten Toes Down
Posts: 95
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Post by Travis on Jan 23, 2018 22:17:37 GMT
I definitely need some tips. I've lost all three of my matches so far and I quite evidently need some help. Please can I have feedback good sir.
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